I honestly just can’t help myself sometimes. I like to proudly state that I know my limitations that I know when to stop and I know how much my body can handle. Then I go and do something ridiculous like agree to be a photographer for an event that will last not only three hours, but will require me to stand for pretty much the whole time.

I think it’s my stupid and idiotic way of sort of lashing out against myself. It’s like I am shaming my own body’s limitations by purposefully pushing the boundaries I am very familiar with. It’s so idiotic and I can’t believe I continue to do this to myself. I did it at Dragcon too. I put off getting a wheelchair because I hate having to use one. I hate it. I hate how small it makes me feel. So, why do I do this to myself?

I don’t know why, maybe I wanted to push myself? Maybe I just thought I was getting better? But on days like today, when the pain is a bit too much I am forced too brutally acknowledge my limits…I don’t know what to do.

Besides accept it?

Accept that I have limitations that a lot of other people don’t even have to think about. I have to accept that I really can’t go roller skating and I will never exactly be graceful. I can’t stand or walk for too long. I have to struggle and I have to get over it.

I have a lot of things a lot of other disabled people don’t have, like a good support system and a great dog. There are hard things, but I am okay and despite not being really religious, I am blessed.

That counts for something.

I am going to try and love myself more, because sure I have a bad hip but my hair is cute and I am kind of funny. I love my dog and my parents have always been nurturing and understanding. I have some great friends and Justice League comes out in four months. I am going to do more water exercises to get stronger and I am going stop selling myself short.

So, I am gonna start planning a future trip to Boston, while trying to embrace whatever the Universe decides to give me and probably cry a little bit, but only just a little.

 

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